TMNT Gratitude
by mysteryred
Summary: Written for the flashfic prompt on Tumblr, "Gratitude" I couldn't wait to post this as it's the aftermath of "The Power Inside Her". If you haven't seen the episode do not read this fic. I do not own TMNT. *Nominated in the 2016 Universal Fanfic Comp for Most Interesting Canon Ally (April)*


**A/N:** So I wrote this for the TMNT flashfic prompt over on Tumblr, the theme was Gratitude. **Spoiler Alert:** This will not make any sense if you haven't seen the episode, **"The Power Inside Her."** So watch it first. ;)

* * *

Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart,

and not in the mind.

– Lionel Hampton

When she met him the air reeked of fear, laced with anger, most likely hers. That is, if those emotions had scents. Maybe he just smelled like New York; the coppery aftertaste of victims, the salt in the sweat of its heroes, and the tears shed in their nightmares. Of which there were many… some that she was certain featured her.

He saved her that night, just like he'd saved her many nights since. Recently, he saved her from herself… right after she destroyed him. Right. After. She. Obliterated. Him.

Talk about forgiveness.

 _I'm sorry_ … it just didn't cut it. Not anymore. Not after this.

Right then he was repairing the stove, so they could still have Thanksgiving dinner. Mikey was chopping vegetables while giving Leo the ' _don't step foot anywhere near this kitchen until it's time to eat_ ,' look, because it was him that broke the darn thing in the first place. She couldn't even figure out how he'd done it, it seemed pretty safe for him to set it to preheat. Yet it was as if Leo and the kitchen were at silent odds with one another. Sparks flew. There was smoke. Flames. And a fire extinguisher. There was Donnie in for the fix.

Always there.

No matter what.

Raph and Casey were watching the game, and Master Splinter meditating, while Leo hovered near the kitchen, insisting the stove was not his fault.

Everyone was doing something that made sense.

Everyone was normal.

Everyone but her.

She had been helping Mikey, but now she was trying to figure out a new excuse to leave the kitchen. Just like she used helping prep dinner as an excuse to leave his lab. Just like she used training with Leo as an excuse the night before…

The razor sharp blade flying at her head veered sharply to the right, fractions from her hair he was so precise. She didn't flinch. The weight she'd been carrying, the boulder in the center of her chest, the constant ache in her heart, it was exhausting. And just maybe if Leo nicked her cheek, if he made a mistake, maybe she'd feel something different.

He frowned at her from the right side of the blade. "You dropped your guard. Again." His mask bunched together as he sheathed his sword. "This," his voice dropped, "this isn't you, April. You know, none of us blame you-"

Her eyes closed, pressure building behind them. "Stop. Leo, just. Stop." Forgiveness had been offered up to her before any of them even knew Donnie could be saved. While she was on her knees in the darkest moment of her life, it had been given to her. Even though she had been the cause of his brother's demise.

When he forgave her, at that very moment, Leo didn't know she could bring Donnie back. Not when he so quickly had offered her something she didn't deserve. If she hadn't been able to undo it, Leo would have still been there for her, looking at her wretched face day after day, the face of the woman who killed his brother… everyday for the rest of their lives, and though it would tear him up inside, he'd do it both for her and in memory of him.

Her heart shuddered and she forced a painful breath. Leo's hand was on her shoulder, and just like he'd done seconds after she defeated her own demons, he said it again. "It's not your fault, April."

But it was. It was. How could it not be?

How many times had Donnie, and Master Splinter told her the crystal was affecting her?

What she'd done- Her mind wanted to block it out, and yet replay it for her to see, to feel, for her to regret, on an endless loop that she'd earned.

With her gaze on the dojo floor she'd turned away from Leo, but as she walked out the door he called to her.

His voice held absolutely no contempt, and like everything he said or did, he meant every word. "We all have regrets, April. Don't let Donnie be one of yours."

Even as Leonardo supported her, it was his kindness that was killing her. She should suffer. Shouldn't she?

She left the dojo, and Leo, without looking back.

The next day Donnie had asked her to bring him a few supplies from the store, but when she'd gotten there to deliver them…

"April! Great, you're here! Let me take the bag." Donnie's smile was wide in her periphery, as she placed the package on the table. She didn't say anything, wringing her hands at her sides as she looked toward the door. "Do you wanna hang out and help me work on this? I'm trying to analyze a sample we think might be-"

"Uh, no. Actually." She pointed toward her exit. "I promised Raph I'd condition with him today."

Lying. Now she could add lying to her dossier, right under murderer of her best friend, her-

Her breath hitched as her back tensed. He was watching her. Right there. Could he tell? Did he know? She rubbed her face.

"April, are you okay?" His voice, that perfect, sweet sound that she clung to every time her head hit the pillow at night; it had become a knife to her heart. Her throat hurt and her eyes burned. She swallowed hard as she left the lab, pretending not to have heard him.

But she had.

She had. And it was giving her nightmares.

His beautiful, terrified mahogany eyes, locked on her, begging her- The desperate whisper that replayed again and again, stripping her bare. "April, _please_."

 _Please._

And she'd tried.

She'd struggled against her possessor. Against the creature that could see inside her, had taken hold of her and knew her secrets, her most treasured and protected sentiments. Her skin crawled, and she wanted to shower again, couldn't seem to get clean anymore.

She'd battled the monster that knew what and whom was most precious to her. But in the second she grew tired, beat down from the constant fight- the tainted soul possessing her had marred her pwn, used her body, and taken him from her.

She'd failed him in the worse possible way.

Looked him right in the eyes and-

For minutes uncountable, she had placed herself and everyone she cared about in a world without Donatello Hamato.

She had been the end of him.

Her.

Such a cruel twist of fate. But was it that? Why hadn't she fought harder? Why hadn't she listened to him, then there would never have been a fight at all?

She hid from him the rest of the day, conditioning alongside Raph until she could hardly move the next day. And the pain eased the ache. But it didn't change anything.

The day after that she'd skipped out on the lair all together, watching Casey's hockey practice instead. Donnie had called her twice, but she couldn't bring herself to even listen to his voicemail.

"April, _please_."

Her heart, her breath, the pain. She just couldn't. She wasn't ready.

Then Casey, out of everyone, Casey Jones changed that.

He slung his skates over his shoulder, as they left the rink together. "Red, I was, uh-" He looked at the ground as they walked. His brow was furrowed, the corners of his mouth turned down. His lips moved a second, then closed together and he shook his head.

"What is it, Casey?" Her heart lifted, hoping he would rip into her, that someone would give her the lashing she had coming. But he didn't. Well, not the kind she was expecting anyway. They'd walked another block before she realized he was guiding them toward the park.

He sat down on a bench, and the wind seemed to pick up as she lowered herself in the spot beside him. A tumbleweed of red, orange, and gold leaves swirled in the green ahead of them, the sky was a rich deep blue, and all she could think was, there are all the colors of her life, except the two that mean the most. And one was beside her, the other, the one she couldn't live without- the one she'd almost condemned them all to exactly that- Her eyes rushed hot, filled and she blinked, tears clinging to her lashes.

"Red," he said again. He shook his head and several locks of black fell in his eyes. She was glad. She didn't want to look in them. "Red, that thing that happened-"

"Don't say it's not my fault, Casey. I can't hear that anymore. So just- don't. Okay?" Her jaw shifted as she drew her lip between her teeth and turned her head toward the swings.

Casey reached out and took her hand in his. Her heart plummeted. _Oh no. No. No. Please don't do this now. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid._

"Red, I get it now. I mean, I always knew he had feelings for you. Dude, even Raph gave me grief about it when I asked about you. He knew it, everybody knew." He scoffed. "And that was like forever ago." He squeezed her hand. "Look at me, April."

It was the way he said her name. Her real name, and in a voice not Casey Jones. Her head turned before she could stop it. Her eyes met his and he flashed her a toothless grin. He seemed so sad, and yet sincere, and happy all at the same time. "You've got to tell him, April. It's past time. And I-" he released her hand and swallowed hard. "I'm good with that."

A lump rose to her throat, her heart pounding as she looked away. But his fingers cupped her chin and he guided her around to face him again.

"Tell him, April. That brainy turtle, he gave his life to save you without giving a split second of thought about what might happen to him." Casey shook his head. "What more can a guy do to prove his self?"

Her throat ached as she choked out her words. "I- I never asked him to." Her eyes wet and she blinked furiously through the blur. "I never asked him to do any of the countless insane things he's done."

Casey laughed and she felt stricken. "Yeah, Red, you have. You call him first when you need anything. Anything." His voice fell, his tone softening. "From a friend to a hero. You always call Donnie first." He pulled his hands into his lap and looked into the cup of them. "So, if you want to make this right, start with being honest with yourself. Then go be honest with him."

Her eyes spilled over again as his lips pressed to her cheek. Then he left.

It was Raphael that caught her next. She tried to use the conditioning excuse to hide from Donnie again, but Raph was on to her. She came alongside him, ready to do some crunches. He finished his set then stood up, heading for the door.

"Where are you going? Don't you have like a million push-ups to do?" She didn't really want to talk and he was always okay with that, it came in handy when she was trying to sort things out.

But he leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms. "How long are you going to keep this up?"

Her entire body tensed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

His brow lifted, his green eyes glinting in the light. "Yeah you do."

She looked away, yet felt a streak of hope. That maybe he'd finally be the one. He would yell and scream at her, tell her how much he hated her for what she'd done.

"You know, there was a second where I really thought you were gone." He waved a hand toward the air. "Donnie was gone, and you were lost to that _thing_." He paused, his voice dropping. "I actually grabbed you, told Mikey to-"

He couldn't finish that, but she wanted him to. Was glad he had the courage to do what should have been done. But then if he had, Donnie would still be gone wouldn't he?

"Mikey couldn't do it. Casey tried to throw himself in front of me, and you- or _not_ you, flicked him aside. You were just about to do me in-"

Images she'd treasured flickered through her closed eyelids, Donnie protecting her, her hugging him, they were so vivid and clear she could _smell_ him. Balsam, laced with a slightly chemical-medicinal scent she could never identify that sometimes changed just a bit. She could _feel_ the strength of his arms around her, _see_ the blush of his cheeks when she kissed them. _Hear_ his voice-

"April, _please_."

She gasped for breath, scrambling to her feet, but as she made to flee Raph's hand blocked her exit.

"There was a time when I never thought he stood a chance with you. I mean look at us. But, with everything we've been through, you've been right there." She could feel his eyes on her, commanding her to look at him.

She wasn't going to. The shame was too much, and yet it's what she wanted, wasn't it, to see their disapproval? But at every turn they offered forgiveness. Maybe Raph though… When she lifted her gaze she was stricken with what was a rare gift and she knew it. It just wasn't what she wanted from the hothead.

He smiled at her, his eyes bright, open and honest. "You can't keep turning to him, letting him save you, catching you when you fall, holding you up and giving it his all, April." He leaned in so close she could smell his toothpaste. "Not if you aren't going to give it back. And, I know you want to. So-" He shrugged and his mask lifted as his eyes widened. "Do something about it, before something happens to one of the two of you that you can't come back from."

She couldn't breathe again. Her lip trembled and her eyes clamped shut. "I don't-" she gasped. "I can't-"

"Go on with that, bull," he snorted. "Open yer eyes and look at me. April, look at me."

Everything was blurry. Would it never end?

"You are April O'Neil, kick ass kunoichi. _You_ fought that bitch and won. _You_ brought him back. April, I may have reminded you, but it was _you_ that remembered." He pointed a finger towards her heart. "You remembered from here." He pointed to her head. "Not here. And she couldn't beat that. Nobody can defeat that."

Master Splinter caught her the next day...

She was meditating, or trying to. It felt more like she was reliving it on replay, the darkest moments of her actions. It wasn't what she wanted. She _had_ tried to fight her. She did. Maybe Raph was right- But she was ashamed of what she'd done, horrified, appalled, part of her hating herself and just on the edge of wanting to scream at everyone, someone, anyone to tear her down and berate her. If they'd just get mad at her! Maybe then- But their compassion, their understanding, their willingness to let it go, it was shredding her apart. _Someone punish me. Please. Anything to take away this hurt._

"Mmm." Her sensei made his telltale noise, one that indicated to her there was something he was either considering or needed to say.

She sighed then opened her eyes, looking to her sensei's paws, avoiding his face. "I'm sorry, Master Splinter. I know I'm not focusing-"

"Quite the contrary, April." He stroked the long fur under his chin. "You are very focused, on just one day out of many." He paused and in the few seconds of silence she found her gaze drifting up to meet his warm brown eyes.

He smiled and her heart clenched as she was stricken with images of Donnie hanging in the air, eyes begging-

"April, _please_."

She'd almost wiped him from the earth, stripped a father of his son. One of only four like him in the world. The brilliant, beautiful, brave Donatello. Her Donatello. The one she-

"Perhaps, you should speak with Donatello."

How did he know? How was it that everyone seemed to know? And how could he encourage her after what she'd done? She looked to the dojo floor. "I don't know what you mean, Master Splinter."

There was another pause, then her sensei's voice, wise and always right, it slipped in her ears and yet she felt his words in the center of her chest. "I know a man who loved a woman once. It did not end the way he wanted, but he could not change the past. He knew that the only way to survive was to look to the future, and live in the present." His paw grasped her shoulder and she looked at him. "That man gained four sons, and not only found a long lost daughter, but gained a second one as well." He smiled at her. "There is always hope, April."

Hope.

Hope for what? Hope that Donnie would forgive her? He'd already done that the same day she killed him. She'd k- Her chest grew tight, the pressure building again. She forced a nod, and choked out a, "Thank you, Sensei." Before excusing herself.

And there they were in the kitchen with Donnie's head literally in the oven, while Mikey glanced at her, then mean-mugged Leo, as he chopped vegetables then pointed a finger at his leader. "Go watch the game with Casey and Raph."

Leo pointed to the knife. "I can wield two blades at once. I think I'm qualified to chop food."

Mikey's knife halted mid-slice. April thought he might actually be considering it, then the youngest turtle shook his head. "Nah, you might lose a finger and that would totes ruin dinner." He pointed to the potatoes. "I don't like blood in my mash, bro. You in the kitchen, is like me-" He paused, his masking bunching as he looked toward the ceiling. He shrugged. "Nah, I can't think of anything I can't do. I mean you need saving, I'm your guy. You need a band-aid, I got this. You need back-up, I'm there. You need a hug, I'm the man. You need anything memorized," he nodded his head, a big grin spreading the width of his face. "If Raph needs a bug squished-"

Raph's head swiveled around from the couch, glaring at his brother.

Mikey pointed a finger at Leo. "I wouldn't squish it though. I totes catch and release. But- uh-" His mask gathered again. "What was my point? Oh yeah. Leo, get out of my zone, bro."

Leo pinched between his eyes. "I'll be in the dojo."

April perked up. "Oh, I'll come with."

Mikey frowned. "No way, I need you in here. I thought you were going to help me with dinner."

Her eyes shot toward the half of Donatello hanging from the oven then darted to Leo's retreating shell. Then Donnie emerged from his workspace. "That should do it," He announced, closing the door and smiling at Mikey. "Just keep Leo out of here."

"On it, bro." Mikey pointed toward the hall. "He's in the dojo."

Donnie picked up a slice of carrot, popping it in his mouth. "Hey, April, I uh- was wondering if you'd-"

Her eyes widened as she clasped her trembling hands together. "Sorry, D. I can't. I'm h-"

Mikey squint, his eyes shifting from her to Donnie and back. "Sure you can, April. I got this."

Her heart ground to a complete halt. "But, you just-"

"Nah, everything's prepped, and the oven's working. Icecream kitty has desert covered. This dinner is on. You go with D, I got this." He winked at her and she wanted to scream at him. _No! Mikey! No! You're supposed to- Oh never mind._ He was Mikey, the kindhearted soul who couldn't squish a bug, let alone end the life of his brother's killer.

But if he had, she couldn't have pulled Donnie back together.

The same way, if Raph hadn't reminded her of him, she might never have broken through.

If Leo hadn't stood by her she might not have the strength, to even consider having the hope her Sensei inspired her with, and if Casey hadn't freed her conscience she might never-

Donnie was staring at her, his eyes soft and warm, patient and kind.

Then there were the images... he was hanging in the air again, begging her, "April, _please_."

She looked away, her throat aching. She took a painful breath.

"April," his voice- her heart clenched- "Can we talk, _please_?"

Her eyes filled and spilled over.

"April, _please_."

Those eyes.

" _Please_."

He was gone.

Gone.

She killed him.

Her.

And she couldn't undo it.

"But you did."

Strong hands grasped her arms. "Look at me, April. Look at me."

He was calling to her, but his voice, his sweet, sweet, voice, it was so far away. Was someone screaming?

"April!" he called to her.

She was pulled against something solid. Positive energy radiated into her, pulled her toward it with a force shattering every lingering doubt. The scent of balsam hit her nostrils and his voice became clear. Her hair shifted as his breath ghosted her ear. "You brought me back, April. You beat her. You won. It's over. You won."

She clung to him, soaking his plastron with her tears.

She'd nearly destroyed him.

She couldn't change the past.

But she could-

A sniffling, blubbering mess, she lifted her chin to look in his eyes,

" _I'm on my way."_

and,

" _I'll be right there."_

saw,

" _Donnie's coming."_

her,

" _Guys, she needs me."_

future.

" _You can do it, April. I know you can."_

She stretched up on her toes, curling her arms around his neck and planted her mouth against his. There was his initial shock, the same as the one other time she'd kissed his lips. But she didn't want that uncertainty anymore. She pulled back, her eyes darting between his. "I love you, my best friend. I love you, my hero. I love you, for always being there for me. I love you for," she choked, cleared her throat and sniffled as her eyes blurred and his spilled over. "I love you for coming for me when I don't deserve it, when I need it, and when I don't want you to. I love you, Donatello, for always knowing what I need, and I won't go another second without you kn-"

His mouth was against hers, finally. _Finally_. Her heart filled to the brim, tumbled over and carried them away. Her breath hitched, leaving her frantic as he broke their connection. _No. Donnie…_

But he was smiling, so wide she could see the adorable gap between his teeth. "I love you, April."

Then he was kissing her again, and she was grateful for forgiveness, for kindness, compassion, for family, and friends. But more than anything, she was overcome with gratitude that there was only one Donatello, he was alive, she was his, and he was hers.


End file.
